3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
