thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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