I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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