He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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