I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
How does one acquire holy water?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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