____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
