census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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