Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
