you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
