Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Randomize
