I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
