There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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