I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
