Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
