So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
