New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
