i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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