when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
nutella sex= disaster
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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