Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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