Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
