Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Fuck appropriateness.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
