on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Are my feet made of real feet?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
