OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
