My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
