Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
