I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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