Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
