Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
