life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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