I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
