The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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