see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
