someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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