When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
