I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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