Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
