Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
