if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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