Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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