There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
