My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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