New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
