At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
