I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
