My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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