I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
