I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
