Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
