If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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