Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
