I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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